Motherhood...without a mother

I LOVE being a mother. Now...that is the truth. I couldn't really imagine too much more in my life I love more...except for being a wife to a wonderful husband. :) It helps I have the three cutest kids in the world who make me laugh every day. Although every day is not a picnic and there are many days I think I might pull all my hair out, it comes with the most rewards of anything I have done in my life. This past week has been a tiring mother week. Gracie has been running a really high fever for a couple days and I have been her nurse for the week. She has to be with me every second of the day. Even at night she wakes up for me to come and get her. Yes...it's exhausting but Brian just told me last night that it should make me feel really special to have her really want "just" me. Even though I tend to complain about my need for space...he's right. It also helps to have the hugs I get from Bubs. Lately when I pick him up from school he hugs so tight he lifts his legs off the ground and I literally carry him to the car. And then Samuel "loves" in a different way. It's things like asking me to put him to bed because he knows I love to stay in his room for a while just listening to him talk. He does occasionally hug me for no reason and every once and while says under his breath..."I love you."

So what does this post have to do with being without a mother?? Well, lately I have been thinking about how different my life would be if I had not lost my mom at 15. Really what do you remember about life before then? I know that I loved her...and rarely wanted to go anywhere unless she was there. A few things I remember are the tea parties, m and m cookies, and the smell of a clean house when we got home from school. I remember that even though we didn't make much money she would use her "allowance" to buy pizza for us. She was always the room mom and was always teaching Sunday School and Bible School. She LOVED coke! (who does that sound like??) She also loved to sit on the back porch and eat pecans straight from our pecan tree. She had a distinct southern accent and was proud of her "country" home.

I guess I just wish I had had a little bit longer to get to know her. I don't really know if I am like her as a mom. I wish I could have had her around to meet my kids and really help me learn how to be a mom. I feel sort of like I have been thrown into the water without a life jacket sometimes. I hear stories of other girls who talk to their moms almost every day and the advice they get from them. That sounds really special. I also have such a list of questions I wish I could ask her about me. My dad is wonderful but he doesn't remember anything about what we were like as babies. Recently Samuel has asked about the picture of her I have on our desk. I wish I had more stories and more to share. I REALLY wish my husband could have met her. I can only hope that one day when we meet again she will have the opportunity to meet my family.

For now...I just hope that my kids love me half as much as I loved her.