I
will say that I am afraid of a lot of things. One of the reasons I struggle with anxiety the way I do is because of fear...fear of death, fear of illness, fear of rejection, fear of bugs...the list goes on. I have struggled with anxiety all my life. It hasn't been until the last few years I started getting some help. The help was in the form of medication. If you have a strong opinion on medication for treatment of anxiety then it might not help you to read this. Summer before last I started having panic attacks. If you have never had one I cannot really describe it...just take a feeling of fainting and add chest pain that makes you feel like you are having a heart attack to shaking and then nausea...sometimes vomiting...sometimes other issues, sometimes a feeling that you know you are dying. But...it is the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. It usually involves something lacking in my diet or dehydration or STRESS (not like I have much of that or anything). Some people say you can get better with more praye and believe me prayer is involved! but I knew I needed to get physically better for my family and I am convinced God led me to this decision. Believe me this is all really hard to write and hard to admit and the first time I have told many of you but...my family was more important than me staying off of a medication that could help me. I feel like for the most part since medication I have been stable. The last few weeks have been trying...we have ALOT of stuff going on with the school involving Benjamin's placement...that might need to be another post... But somehow getting this down and admitting that I need help is my help.
So back to how prayer and my God help me daily... my husband sent me this article recently written by Josh Wilson, who sings the song "Carry Me." I need to remember this verse daily "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let you requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7). I need the peace of God to guard my heart and my mind, so every time I experienced a panic attack, I can pray that. I need Jesus.
But as much as I struggle with fear and the unknown and how will we deal with all "bub's" stuff...I am amazed at what others will do our of fear. I ran across this article...apparently fear did take over in a family in the southern province of Adana. Hatice Buzpinar, after being told that one of her twins had Down syndrome agreed to having an injection given to the fetus with Down syndrome which would stop the growth of that fetus in it’s mother’s womb. I cannot imagine having the ability to agree to kill your child unless you are consumed with fear. That’s a politically correct way of saying it would kill the unborn baby. That is exactly what it did and two days later, Buzpinar began experiencing abdominal pain. Taken back to the hospital, doctors decided to remove Buzpinar’s uterus and the fetuses inside it. The surgery did not go as planned, and Buzpinar died of a heart attack.
When I think about my fears I honestly cannot imagine being afraid of something so much I would kill something or someone. How can someone look at my kid and then out of fear want to kill others like him. It makes me sick. I know my fear and panic attacks can cloud my judgement but honestly how could you kill your unborn child when you haven't even met them. Please never be afraid of my kid and NEVER be afraid of something that it so clouds your judgement that you would do something out of the ordinary. This leads me to something I have been wanting to do a long time...to write! To write about what I have been through and how this is points me to God all the time
I Thessalonians 5:14...And we urge you brothers to admonish the idle,encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. I need to reminded...others need to be reminded...that God is glorious and good to us in ways we cannot comprehend. My story needs to point people to their source of hope and my only source of hope for God's glory! So...when will I get around to it...I would love to do it sooner than later but it may come in spurts. It is something I want to do for others and for my family who needs to understand me and how God (along with my life experiences) has changed me and made me the woman I am today. All glory be to God.
Check it out.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9huooelamNA
