Glimpses of Heaven

Somedays are just bad days...I am not always the put together mom with a kid with a disability. Somedays there isn't enough patience. The other day was one of those days.

It had already been a long day. A pop up storm had caused me to stop what I was doing mid way through and throw Gracie in the car to head to school to get Bubs...knowing he wouldn't want to get on the bus in the rain. He didn't want to walk in the rain to the car but finally got there.

Came home and tried to get some homework done. Knowing he would be stressed with the rain outside I had closed the blinds and hoped he couldn't really hear the rain outside. Made him sit down when I could tell that he was stressed out beyond measure...realizing that at some point he had wet his pants went and helped him get changed. He can do this by himself but in the midst of a storm he refuses to go upstairs to get his clothes.

Finally we sat again to do the Math...same same thing we had been doing for days. All of sudden he couldn't remember how to do it...just don't know where it goes sometimes...as you can imagine after about three to four problems like this I was quickly losing patience. Looked right at him and said something I would never have thought I would say to him... "why is this so hard for you???"

Immediately I knew I had sinned in a way I never thought I would have. I broke his little heart in half I think. He looked at me....big crocodile tears streaming...my eyes welled up and then he held out those little stubby arms to hug me. Almost still brings me to tears to think of it...I hurt him and he wanted to love me even still. How does he do that??? How does he mirror the Heavenly Father in his unconditional love for us?? How many times do we do things that we wouldn't have thought we would have done to hurt our Father and he still holds out His arms to love us with an unconditional love.

It's those glimpses of Heaven I take for granted in my often crazy life...thank God for the reminder...

Blessed...

in so many ways. My Bible Study lately has been concentrating on contentment. Believe me I am not there yet. Not full contentment at least but I am trying to really focus on the blessings God gives us in this life. The study suggests to keep track of your blessings and attempt to not complain or gripe for one week. Can I do it? I guess it's worth a try by God's grace. Here's some things to be thankful for...

Benjamin's laugh
Samuel's sensitive spirit
Gracie's ability to make me smile
My husband...too much to say here
My wonderful friends...here and there...you are all wonderful to me. Even if we don't see each other much.
My church
My lovely home
My kids school
so much more to say here...I will write more later...

Letting go...

Been thinking about this kid who was lost for six days here in the woods in VA. He was autistic and he was found just yesterday. Fortunately he seemed to be in serious condition but going to be okay. I can't imagine exactly how that family felt this past week wondering if theywould find him. What a sweet moment to see his face again.

As a mom it makes me want to hold on to my kids even tighter. I know that I should physically
keep hold of them and keep them in my sight. They are little and this world is crazy and they depend on me to keep them safe.

But the truth is lately I have been thinking about letting go of them a little. I came to a realization recently when a friend reminded me that my children aren't mine. They were given to me to love, protect, train, and encourage but ultimately they are their Father's child. The one who created them. I struggle a lot with anxiety over trying to control the circumstances. I wrestle with my Father to have true control of them and other areas of my life. Recently I have been asking him to help me try to reliquish some of that control and understand that no matter how hard I try to change things or make things better for my kids...I cannot do it on my own.
To try to do that is going to bring me nothing but more anxiety. My Father has their best interst in mind at all times. He knows what they need. I need to daily remind myself to let go.
He's got in under control. Time for me to daily ask Him to remind me of that. One day maybe I might just get it.

Casting all your cares upon Him for he cares for you affectionately and watchfully. 1 Peter 5:8 (AMP)

Stepping Up

So most of you who know us know that every October we participate in an awareness walk for Down Syndrome. This year it wasn't the Buddy Walk...it was an event called Step UP for DOWN Syndrome. It was a fun family day of face painting, games, balloons, bounce house, pumpkins, and music. Every Down Syndrome Buddy was given a medal for participation. It is always a fun and inspiring event that we all look forward to.

So as I look back over NINE years of Buddy Walks it's amazing to see how far I have come. That's right...how far I have come. Learning to deal with a disability takes time. It's something that slaps you in the face some days and makes you crumble with humility other days. I sometimes remember the anger, sadness, and hopelessness I felt nine years ago. It seems like so long ago. God has taught me a lot along the way. I think I have learned to be humble. It's humbling to compare your nine year old with other nine year olds. They are heads taller and talk in complete sentences. I doubt most have potty accidents. But, I think I have learned to view life differently. What a precious gift that God has given us. Each one of us special and unique and deserving of love and affection. The Father chose to give us Benjamin exactly as is and I am learning to accept that and quite honestly can say wouldn't want to change him.

I am learning to be patient. It's taking a while and some days I still am not there. Dentist appointments, blood draws, irrational fears, and picky eating can try a mom's patience some days. But God has given me more than I could ask for and I am learning it is true that his grace is sufficient for me!

I am learning about unconditional love. I think Benjamin has to be the most loving child I know. My other children have never hugged and kissed me as much. They don't stroke my face and my hair and tell me they love me out of the blue on days when I truly need it. He rarely is sad, mad, or angry at anyone.

I am learning about God's glory. I see glimpses in Benjamin. He has touched lives of numerous people along the way. I can't tell you how many people tell me about how they think about Benjamin and feel like their life has been changed. God's glory is evident in all my children but somehow much more obvious in Bubs.

I never would have imagined this would be my life ten years ago when I was pregnant. There have been things I have done, said, and thought that I wouldn't have ever thought would be my life. There have been moments that I wouldn't have known would be so hard.

But...there have been people I have met I otherwise would not have without Bubs. There are moments that bring me more joy than I would have never imagined. When I hear Bubs contagious laugh or hear him say "mom...watch this..." or see him riding the bus with his brother I think my heart my explode. And there are so many things God has taught me along the way...and I could never repay Bubs for that.

I love that kid!

Life these days...

is really really busy. I hardly have time to sit down and think. It's not the same chaos as when the kids were tiny. Just the day to day...homework, soccer, ballet, in home preschool...Always seems like something to do and somewhere to be.

It's good to take a minute to sit back and watch my kids. They have grown so much.

Bubs is talking so much more now. He's made friends at school. He has been invited to his first SCHOOL birthday party. That is huge!! He is reading...writing...playing sports and watching sports. He's as funny as always...always being silly like his dad! It's amazing.

Samuel is the sweetest kid. He is thoughtful, caring, genuine and loving. He thinks about others (and the pets!) He is smart and ALL boy. He would much rather shoot baskets and play football than read and do his homework. There is always a negotiation when he gets home as to when he will get the homework done. He is not a little boy any more. He comes up to my chest. He eats all the time. He's made a mom really proud.

Gracie is the princess. She can sing and recite passages of Tangled but still cannot recognize all her numbers and letters. She is always singing and smiling. She is stubborn and dramatic (just like her mom). She only loves pink and purple. She still has her own language and we are all just smitten with her.

Everyday that passes I think about the times when they were babies...holding them, rocking them to sleep, holding their hands when they learned to walk, feeding them, and watching them grow up makes me sad sometimes....but only more amazed that I get to be their mom. They are special kids.

Baby girl...

Gracie turned four this week. I cannot believe how time is flying. It seemed like yesterday I held a tiny (very tiny) baby wrapped in pink in my arms. Not much has changed...she still likes pink and still loves to be held like a baby. Now we are REALLY into Princess things...the Barbie Princesses, the movies, the books, the songs...it goes on and on (quite a market for little girls :) ) We have been to one Disney Princess Show on ice and she loved it so much we are going again in September. Of course her birthday party this year was all about pink and princesses.

Never knew how much I would LOVE having a girl. Not sure I was ready for the drama that comes with it but she makes us all laugh, she makes us want to sing and dance. She makes us want to dress like a princess (or a prince!) And yes some days she makes me want to pull my hair out.

She is a wonderful blessing to this family and truly completes us. She has a tender spirit and does not like for anyone to be hurt or sad. She loves her blankie (and yes still occasionally loves her naa-naa) She loves pigs (only ones that are pink)! She wants to take ballet this fall and I think I can honestly say that seems right up her alley right now. Can't wait to see how she does.

She loves for you to tell her stories and sing her lullabies at night and she loves to fall asleep with her head on my chest.

There are so many more reasons why I love my Gracie girl...Lately I have been calling her Grace more often. I truly know she was given to me by God and so much more than I deserve. Thank you Lord for my baby girl...I am so glad she is mine.

Gracie was determined I needed to wear a princess gown. Thankfully I had a bridesmaid dress that fit! :)The Cake!The girls painted and decorated jewelry boxes and then played princess games to earn the jewelry for the boxes!Family birthday time is always special too...even more princesses! :)

Well beyond his years...

My Samuel amazes me. I don't really know how else to describe what I am about to write. He has an amazing love for his big brother. I don't think you really can understand it unless you see it in action. He has more patience, compassion, and endurance for the relentless than I could ever have. When I see the two boys together I see a glimpse into part of God's plan for us!

The boys have always been close. When they were little EVERYONE thought they were twins even though Samuel is two years younger. I dressed them the same and took them everywhere together. Samuel used to look up to Bubs. He copied EVERYTHING he did and followed him like a puppy dog. I have memories of them dressing up in hats to put on shows for us. They watched the same shows, listened to the same music and liked the same books.

Years have passed now. Samuel is now the one that Bubs looks up to. He follows Samuel around. They don't really like the same shows (except for the BRAVES), or the same music. Samuel is a much better reader than Bubs...although Samuel has been known to read to Bubs...but there is a bond there that you couldn't recreate if you tried. Samuel is Bubs protector. He looks out for him in most any situation. He lets him win (sometimes), he lets him watch his own shows (even if it means Samuel has to watch BLUES CLUES for the fiftieth time)! He lets him pick first when they play the WII together. What seven year old kid does that???

Those who have had them in class at church say you don't really have to do anything to help Bubs...Samuel helps him. When the are at a friend's house or with a babysitter...they say Samuel helps to take care of him.

Recently we had an interesting conversation about Bubs starting at Samuel's school next year. This has been an answered prayer for us. I can't tell you how it will make our life easier with both boy's at their home school. Being the skeptic...I have mostly been concerned for Samuel. I know Bubs will transition fine but I was worried Samuel would be overprotective and worried for Bubs during the day since they will be in the same grade. Here's what I found out about it...

Mom... Well Samuel you know the good thing about you both being in school together is I can go on all the field trips with you guys.
Samuel...Why would you go on the field trips??
Mom...Well you know they like me to go with Bubs.
Samuel...Why is that??? Is it because he walks so slow??

Why was I worried?? These boys share something that I can't always understand....I thank God every day for my Samuel and what a wonderfully amazing son, brother and friend he is. I love you Samuel.