One more kiss goodnight

This past month the Down Syndrome community was shocked and saddened by the relatively sudden death of a fifteen year old.  A dancer, a sister, a daughter, a bright light to all around her. So many testimonies to the way she loved everyone around her and made those around her smile!  Not uncommon things for any of our little ones with an extra chromosome.

So then my church community was saddened to hear of the passing of a former member of our congregation who lost a battle with cancer.  A relatively young mom with many children who had not all been married or even had grandchildren.  She leaves a legacy behind and I know she is rejoicing pain free in heaven.

But what do these two things have to do with a New Years post?  Well thinking about these two families made my new years resolution more clear.

 My new years resolution is to slow down. Life is short and we are not guaranteed a second more. So this year I am going to take time to give my kiddos one more kiss goodnight when they ask for the tenth time.  To tuck them in and listen to all the stories about minecraft buildings and lego towers.  To take time to understand every word that Bub is saying...even when it is painstakingly difficult.  To spend more time on dates with my husband.  To work together as "one" at parenting and running our household.  To take more time to call loved ones to tell them I love them!  To take more time to spend in prayer and the Word.  

I have a lot of big plans for ministry to the special needs community for the coming year...but it will be impossible for me to do any of these things without first spending more time with my Heavenly Father. All of these things can not be possible if my spiritual life does not become a top priority.

So...feel free to hold me accountable here...when Gracie asks for one more kiss goodnight or Samuel wants to tell me in detail about his latest minecraft world...or my big boy is insisting I understand what he is telling me.  Remind me to take the worries and stresses to the God who can lessen the burden.

Remind me to slow down...to enjoy the life I have been given for every second!  

Twenty Blessings

1. My husband... He is strong, supportive, and hard working.  He unconditionally loves me. I could not ask for a better daddy for my kids. There have been so many times in my life that he has held me up (literally and figuratively).  I am so thankful God made us one.

2.My kids ... Each one is unique and teaches me more about God and myself! They make me crazy sometimes but I am so thankful to be their mom! I can not even imagine having life without them.  Each one is so different but we fit together perfectly!

3.Old friends... It never fails that even when distance separates us we can pick up where we left off in a conversation... I know that when I truly need them they are there and I love them like family!

4.New friends..thankful God is always giving us people in our life to love and support us in this journey.  Over the past year I have met some new friends that I am pretty sure God put there for a reason!

5.Friends to share my special needs journey... Not the journey I planned but one I wouldn't change and the love I have had from some folks I have met along the way who share not only my path with my kid but they are women of faith!  Truly thankful for each one of them!

6. My Dad...He has loved me and prayed for me during some rough times in my life! He is always always there if I need him and I will always know that!

7.my brother...same as my dad... He has always and will always be there for me supporting me!

8.Other family (in laws)..

I am so thankful that God blessed me not only with a wonderful husband but with his loving family! I am thankful that they have been there for me and Brian many times!  I love them like my own family !

9.i am thankful for Sadie... I love my cats too and are thankful for them but the smile Sadie brings to your face is amazing.  She knows exactly what we need and she was exactly what we needed.

10.coffee... Need I say more

11. My home... Although small sometimes and dirty with three kids and three pets.. but there is a difference between a house and a home...a home is a place I feel safe and secure...that is what I am thankful for.

12.the beach.. No better place to be. 

13.a church home... I love my church family here. If you live in Richmond and haven't found that spot for you I promise my church will love you and love on you with a special love that only God gives!

(And I specifically am attached to my covenant group family... You are the best!)

14.my homegrown kids... I love my little ones and ones I have had in years past.  Watching them grow in so many ways has been a blessing!  Praying for them and loving them has been a

huge part of my life the past few years!

15.my kids teachers... This year especially I can not say enough how thankful I am that thy have given so much to my kids already!  They truly have made this a great year for my kids!

16.tank tops and flip flops... 

17.Christmas trees and lights

18.music... Any kind really... It always lifts my spirits and can bring back special memories

19.my mom... Even though she has been in heaven for twenty plus years now... I will always be thankful for her influence on my life.  I see her in me...I see her in my kids...and every now and then I hear her when I talk to my kids.  I am thankful that God gave me that gift!
20.Most of all I am thankful for my most loving, gracious Heavenly father.  Without him the other things on this list would not exist.  I am amazed by the beauty in His creation.  I am humbled by the love and care He provides.  I am thankful that He is sovereign in my life...that He always has been and always will be and that He loves me just the way I am!

No I haven't forgotten...

about this blog. I just divide my writing among many blogs these days.  Perhaps one day we can streamline into one blog about my life when I ever figure out what I am going to do with my life.

I did want to post a few pics of the kids we took a while ago.  We had won a free session with a well known photographer in the area and could get a free 8x10, however...after viewing his price list for photos we decided it wasn't in the budget to spend over $100 for an extra print and hated to waste his time for the free session!

So...we decided to take a few ourselves and here's a few favorites.

 

 

Here is what I love about taking lots of shots...you get pictures like this that I truly love!

and of course my four loves...

and my forever love

Our story of goodbyes , hellos, and how you see God in the everyday

So... This is the story of Sadie.

It Is a long one. So take a seat.

It started this past summer when we met a dog named Sadie. Benjamin was instantly attached. We have never seen him bond with a dog like this. She was a yellow lab mix. The only other dog he has ever liked   Was also a yellow lab. 

So most of the summer I was looking for a dog. I knew it had to be just the right one. It could not jump Or bark much.  It had to be a low-key dog just like my low-key son.  The other two have wanted a dog forever.   Samuel has been the longest hold out. So we looked and looked and really found nothing. 

Then one day I got a call from one of my babysitters.  She had found a tiny kitten near the dumpster at work.  

The shelters Would not take her. I figured this was our answer.  A fun new pet. Not much expense. And something playful. So that's how we got Cindarella. A one and a half pound bundle of pure sweetness.

She reminded me and Brian of Bailey When she was a kitten.  Spunky, sweet, loving.  

After about a month she developed a limp.  We thought she had just hurt her leg By one of the kids. X-rays showed it was not broken. And after two days of rest and medicine she was better.  Then two weeks later the limp came again.  Back to the vet for more medicine and more rest. That's when it went downhill very quickly. Within two days she was throwing up. And by Saturday she was gone.  I was at training and I had no chance to say goodbye one of the saddest things ever when it comes to Pets.  I really feel sorry for Brian. He had to do it all on his own with three kids

So here's where Sadie comes in. Everyone in training sees me crying. Now lots of folks were crying. The content was incredibly emotional. But when I shared with a friend what it happened to Ella. She said you won't believe this and maybe you're not ready for this. But my friend has two yellow labs and is looking for a home for one of them.  She adopted two pups but with her schedule and a small apartment and an autistic child it was too much.  She wondered if I was interested. 

I burst into tears. I called Brian. We made arrangements to meet Sadie the next day. Her name was actually Precious. When we first met her everyone fell in love with her quickly.  Bub was the last to stand off. But Sadie was watching.  

We told her we would take a day to think about it. Everyone headed to the van except Bub.  He was "itching" a bug bite. Sadie was still watching him. she inched across the grass on her belly. And laid her head on his crocs.  He looked up at me and said Sadie.  I said yes she does look like Sadie. Do you want her to live with us?  He quickly said yes !

On the way home we knew we were getting a puppy.  But what would we name her?  I said let's call her Ella not Cinderella just Ella.  No one really like that idea. I suggested Bella.  No one else had a suggestion so I asked Bub.  His answer was Sadie.  I had a feeling that the other Sadie's mom wouldn't mind.  She and Bub bonded tubing on the lake.

 So that's how we got Sadie. Cannot believe my kids were up and ready to take her on a walk at 8:15. And I know that won't last. But I do think in some ways she ties our family Together. She is something we will all love. IAnd a way to remember our baby Ella.

You see if we hadn't had baby Ella, we wouldn't have waited for Sadie Sadie was worth the wait. And although we still cry about Ella.  I'm fairly certain God put her there ... Because he knew we needed Sadie..  And one day We plan to find another baby Ella. I don't know if Pets go to heaven. I know that God loves them he created them. And I do know that he gives us them to enjoy and love. A gift he gives us because he loves us and delights in giving us good gifts.

James 1:17

Every good and perfect gift is from above

coming down from the father of lights.

A day we will remember

Today was a day to remember! It has been a good week!  Watching my kids grow up before my eyes. It has been harder than I thought.  Letting them go without me there hurts more than I thought. Having to give up control is not easy.  

Watching Gracie learn to walk into school with her big brothers, carrying her backpack on one shoulder because that is what the big kids do.  Seeing bubs light up to see his teacher and then share the funny things she says and does ... She is awesome by the way...  Funny, silly, but in control... Just what my boy needs. I love to hear him actually share stories at home of what she does at school.  

Seeing Samuel actually seem to like school for once.  He made it to Accelerated math which keeps him busy and not bored.  He also shares many more stories from his year.  I think he is easing last year from his memory ...and he is back to his old self of sharing about his days.  I missed that from him last year.  

So this has been a good day and week to remember. 

 But yesterday on 9-11 I recalled some other memories from years ago. I was pregnant with Bubs and teaching.  We heard bits and pieces of terrorist attacks but tried to hide it from the kids... Cowering in the teachers lounge our mouths open and our hearts broken that God would allow such senseless tragedy.  Holding on to this baby in my womb I remember questioning why God would allow all this.  Why would I bring this child into this world of anger and senseless sins.  

Although I was confused I clung to the fact God had it under control.  It wasn't like he didn't know this would happen... It was not something that happened out of his plan.

So then a few months later I had  

bub and you know that story... Once again confused with why this happened  to me... it was not in my plan. But as months and years past I learn again that He has  a plan for my life and bubs and that he has known about it from the beginning of time.  Nothing happened that He was not prepared for.  And in fact many blessings come from it...

So it brings me to what I said first this week watching my kids grow up proves that God brings blessings even when things seem tragic.  he has a plan and has it all in control. He gives us so many good gifts.  He protects us from so much.  And even as i have to let go just a little... watching my three kids walk together side by side into school and knowing they are there together looking out for each other there is a reminder that  there are blessings that come into our life every day. Even with the scars from the tragedy in our life God is so gracious to bring us good things.

Lets thank Him today.

End of summer lament

Today marks the end of summer.  Some.days I felt like the days were moving too slowly.  Today looking back it went way to fast. In a few days all three will be headed off to school.  I really hate the first few days of school.  I have to drop them off and try to watch them all the way into the school doors and get a little wave before the doors close.  I really love the expression on their face when they see I am one of the first ones in the line to pick them up.

It is hard sometimes at the end of the summer not to look back and wonder if I did a good.job being  a mom this time. Did I listen to every story without being distracted? Did I answer every question even.when it was asked more.than one time?

 Did I prepare my baby for her first year?

Have I taught.all of them how to determine right.from wrong before I send them back off into the real world?

Do I pray often enough for their protection while they are away from me? Do I pray daily for the friends they will make and their relationships?


There is never a way turn back the clock even though sometimes I wish I could.  Every day they are a day older.and closer to going into the world on their own.Every day is a day I could regret not spending time with them or I can determine to spend more of it with them.  I can pray more and worry less.  Listen more and do less...  open up my heart and share more...

There is that old saying that the two most important things we give our children is roots and wings.  I think that it is hard to know if you planted roots until you give them their.wings.  It's a slow process with baby steps and changing and growing along the way for all of us.  God wants us to give them wings.  He wants us to trust that we gave them HIM as their roots.

Thank God He does not leave us to do this alone...my God will never leave us or forsake us.
 (Hebrews 13:5)     He isn't going to leave my kids even when I am not around to help them make decisions or choose their friends.  He isn't going to forsake them when they miss me or have a bad day. He isn't going to let them out of his sight even when I cannot see them behind those doors. .I must claim this promise daily for my children and I must claim it for myself next week when I miss them like crazy!

Don't Blink...

Today was a perfect day.  The kids and I went to play mini golf and Brian met us on our lunch break.  Granted...one was upset because he lost and one was upset because he fell but all in all in a good time.

Then we ran errands together.  Just me and the kids.  Most times I try to do that on my own because I can do them "faster" without them.  But today I just slowed down and let them look.  We must have spent an hour or more in DICK'S.  Got to watch my little girl try on backpacks and model coats.  I got to watch my son look at a new bow and arrow that he is convinced he can use for hunting in the backyard!  Seriously...it was huge! Spent time with the third one who was a bit bored just sitting and watching the other two run around.  Listening to the conversations on the drive home.  Singing to the radio and adding silly words.  

and...that was it...just a simple day...not much too big but it made a perfect day.  

Now at home watching the littlest one with scraggly ratty hair play playdough and talk to it as if it were her friend.  Watch Bubs "hide" toy soldiers and then "find" them.  I played that game one day with him...now he plays it on his own.  Not sure where Samuel is right now...I think playing video games.  But...it is quiet...no one is fighting right this moment and it is beautiful.  Just to take a snapshot of this moment ....

Makes me think of this Kenny Chesney song that is one of my favorite..

Best start putting first things first."
Cause when your hour glass runs out of sand
You can't flip it over and start again
Take every breath God gives you for what it's worth...and

Don't Blink

Today is one of those days that I don't want to give up or take for granted...

Why I will write about Bub

Today I read on another blog post that The Atlantic posted that a staggering 85%  of women with a diagnosis of Down Syndrome abort their baby.  It makes my jaw drop actually.  But it has brought me to the reality that I must do something.  I want to think that most folks today look at my son and are amazed with how much he is like most other kids.  That they do not see his disability.  But there is the reality that people do look at him differently  and that somehow his life is not as valued as theirs.  So what's  a mom to do...

I am determined to do something I have long wanted to do...I am going to write.  At this time I don't know what I am going to write...but I know that I must write.  I need to get my story down for others.  I need to share the day to day life that God has given us.  I need to share what a blessing my son is.

A few months ago I found a blog that I love...www.theworksofgod.com.  

Reflections on the sovereignty of God over disability, disease and suffering, for God's glory and for our good

The entire website is phenomenal.  It is tied into the Desiring God website of John Piper (also a good one.) One blog post has been floating around in my head since I read it...

The title of the blog post was this..."God has given you a story for the good of others."

The blog post writer John Knight was in Chicago  for some Desiring God events.  There he met multiple people who had experienced different types of suffering, disability and pain.   He says he was " reminded that our unique stories give us unique opportunities to point people to God."

In all their stories there was a sense of joy in the midst of the suffering.

HE ends by saying..."And I was reminded of this simple truth: God is glorious and good to us in ways we cannot begin to comprehend.  Let us use our stories to point people to the source of hope and to encourage each other, for God’s glory and for our joy."

So you see I have a story to tell that could encourage.  I have a story that shows God's glory and our joy almost everyday!  That is why I want to tell my story.  And for those moms who ask "why me?"  I can say, " you areblessed that HE chose someone in your life to use for an avenue for His glory."  For those moms who say "I can not do this."  I can say, " exactly  the point...He needs you to depend on Him."  For those moms who say,"their life will be so hard."  I can remind them that this child will challenge them to learn to trust Him more than they ever had before.

I want to be able to tell them  I was where they are once.  I cried and asked God why did he give me a child that is broken.  I need to tell them I hated myself for even thinking that.  

They need to know I wrestled with God.  But my wrestling brought me to a place....a better place...one of acceptance of what HE gave me and now I am trying to plug along and enjoy this gift for what it is.  Somedays it is still hard...and I want to share it...sometimes I want to just throw in the towel....and other moms need to know that!   But most days I can look at my kid and see him for the special gift that He is...one that God created for His glory.  Perfect in every sense...

Most times our  life does not seem to be that important to anyone.  But I think it might be time to share my story so that His glory is revealed in my life.

Mother's Day Madness

Another Mothers day has come and gone. There is always quite a bit of emotion tied up in this holiday for me. Facebook was filled with pictures of mom and daughter pictures. Not that I am not happy for those people. More like jealous. No pictures of me and mom unless I find a picture from over twenty years ago. Okay after losing my mom most mothers days were rotten.

 So then I had kids and mothers day got better but not without some madness. I think there has always been pressure for me to have some sort of perfect mothers day. Trying to make up for the miserable mothers days in the past.

 This year we went out to eat on Saturday which at least took pressure off of Sunday. However then Sunday was met with kids who were grumpy and grouchy ...not really trying to make this day very special...since for them the "celebration" had already happened. They did however pull the mother's day card when trying to get out of going to Sunday school.

 So the day continued with mundane house cleaning ...which left me grumpy and grouchy and then a walk which could have been nice until we tried to take pictures...oh my. Could it have been more painful?

 I have to mention though how much Brian tried to make it special...a great dinner, a wonderful gift and flowers... And the constant reminder to all that it was my day.

 Now, as the pressure of the day has passed here is what I look back to see...
 A husband who works hard everyday to make me feel special...and especially on Mothers day.
One child who stopped playing outside to work really hard to finish the deck wash to get rid of pollen that was driving us all crazy.
 One girl who said at night she must tell me something that would make me cry....that she loved me "forever and a million times and that I was the best mommy she ever had."
A child who could say "happy mothers day" for the first time.
A child who woke up on Monday and gave me a hug instead of being grouchy for the first time ever...on a Monday morning.
A child who kisses me goodnight EVERY night.
A child who asks me multiple times a day..."will you play with me?"

 At the end of a mother's day...these things are the things I see and when you get down to it...what I see as the "ideal" mother's day is just something in my head. Sure I would LOVE to have my mom here to see them but there is so much God has given me I just need to step back and take notice and consider myself truly blessed! I was struck by this perfection that I wanted...this perfect day that didn't happen. A lot of things are not perfect in this life because we are not even near perfection but there is hope that God redeemed us and is sanctifying us and making us more like Him. We are not bound to the perfection of the law. Christ made it possible for us to draw near to God even despite the imperfections. No..we will never even be close to perfect and neither will our kids or our husbands or those around us or even our "special days". But praise God he is working in us every day.

 Hebrew 7:19...(for the law made nothing perfect), and a better hope is introduced, by which we draw near to God.

 By the way here are some pictures of my day...what is funny is that we were so frustrated with them for not wanting to take the pictures but a few of them aren't too bad...although as you can see Bubs was the least happy to stop the walk for a photo session.

ReMemories

ReMemories...that is what gracie says when she has something she has"given up" but still wants to keep. She says she will keep it for "rememories." I think that is a cross between remembering and memories. There are so many moments of life that fly by that i want to take more note. Things I want to keep etched in my mind for memories. I jot these things down from time to time because life can just pass you by so quickly...I mean Samuel is now as tall as my shoulder.

Other ReMemories are how Smokey taps my face with his paw when he wants me to keep petting him.

 Like how Bubs tells me " pretty mom" when he sees me get dressed up.

 Like how Gracie told me a secret that she really gets nervous before her dates with Daddy.

 How Gracie calls Samuel Sam and he doesn't mind

 How Samuel is looking so old now and like a big kid but yet he still likes to take the time to sit down and talk to me.

 How Gracie calls me "mom girl" and gets goose bumps when Samuel tells her she is pretty

How Gracie and Bubs know all the Rapunzel and Flynn Ryder parts of Tangled

How Samuel will throw Bubs as many balls as it takes for him to hit the baseball and then will "pretend" to miss so his brother can score

How Samuel says he will attempt to eat strawberries with Bubs since he will have to do that next at "eating school"

How Samuel will find me a blanket if I even look a little  bit cold


How Bub has to kiss me on the lips every night before he goes to bed and likes me to snuggle close while he falls asleep

How my husband works really hard all day and then comes home and takes the kid out to get them "out of my hair" for a minute

How he will watch a "chick flick" with me even if he rather watch something more manly

How he keeps his beard because I love it

The list could go on and on...it just reminds me how truly blessed I am and I forget to take notice some days.  Days like today really make me sit and think...thinking is a good thing.

Thank you Lord.

John 1:16

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁶ Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given.

So proud of my girl...

Today was Kindergarten registration for Gracie. What a huge day for both of us. Of course we have waited officially as long as we can...she is five and we have to go next year. She was so brave. Now mom not so much! Of course the second she went back with the teacher for her "test" I sat and cried. She is my sidekick...following me everywhere I go. Needing to know where I am every second...although it can really feel like I never get a break I know I will miss her little shadow! Last one to leave the little nest...last one to go through this...no more babies. It is a hard step but one I know I will be proud of. She did so well and such a big girl. I know she is ready is go. I just have to get ready for September...a new chapter for us both. After our hard day we headed to Dunkin Donuts for a donut. Love my girl...

Always cloudy on Good Friday

Amazes me but most times I can remember Good Friday is cloudy.  Interesting...since it was the day my savior took my sins to the cross, the day the Father turned his face from his son for the one and only time and the reason I  am totally broken before Him.  I am always so in awe of how very much He loves me and draws me in...with all my mistakes and baggage.  Thank you Jesus for your sacrifice.

Lyrics to Broken by Jeremy Riddle
To the cross, I look, and to the cross, I clingOf it's suffering, I do drink, of its work, I do singOn it, my Savior, both bruised and crushedShowed that God is love and God is just
At the cross, You beckon meYou draw me gently to my kneesAnd I am lost for words, so lost in loveI’m sweetly broken, wholly surrenderedYeah, yeah, oh Lord
What a priceless gift, undeserved lifeHave I been given through Christ crucifiedYou’ve called me out of deathYou’ve called me into lifeAnd I was under Your wrathNow, through the cross, I’m reconciled
Ooh, and at the cross, You beckon meYou draw me gently to my kneesAnd I am lost for words, so lost in loveI’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
At the cross, You beckon meYou draw me gently to my kneesAnd I am lost for words, so lost in loveI’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
And in awe of the cross, I must confessHow wondrous Your redeeming loveAnd how great is Your faithfulness
At the cross, You beckon meYou draw me gently to my kneesAnd I am lost for words, so lost in loveI’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
At the cross, You, You've beckoned meYou draw me gently to my kneesAnd I am lost for words, so lost in loveI’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
Yeah, yeah, I'm broken for youI'm broken for you, my Lord, yeahJesus, Your love is thereI am sweetly broken

Read more: JEREMY RIDDLE - SWEETLY BROKEN LYRICS 

God is good...all the time

IEP meeting is over...Benjamin will be remaining at Gordon next year in his regular ed classroom with support! Exactly what we asked for with relatively little drama.

 I feel quite certain the teachers and staff that work with Bubs everyday truly love my kid and it showed through at the meeting today. One of his teachers even stood up to agree that some of the things that happened at the last meeting were wrong and not legal. How awesome is that! There really wasn't a whole lot to fight about. My wonderful husband was well prepared and had just the right mix of composure, emotion, and a little anger...but all in all it went well!

 We so thank all of you who prayed for us (and we know there are so many of you) ...for our kid...and our meeting...coming on the eve of WORLD DOWN SYNDROME DAY it couldn't have happened on a better day! God is so faithful and He has proved again that He truly has my kid in the palm of His hand. The only slightly funny thing was during the meeting the school nurse called me. I left the meeting to find Bubs and his favorite girlfriend. Apparently he was hit in the face on the playground by a soccer ball and we lost another tooth.

He wasn't really concerned or worried about it...he had changed his bloody shirt and then he and his friend were determined to go find the tooth in the football field.  Obviously that was to no avail...but here is his note to put under his pillow tonight.

"Dear tooth fairy I lost tooth
soccer ball
money please
love ben"

That kid...he gets to my heart everytime!

FEAR

I will say that I am afraid of a lot of things. One of the reasons I struggle with anxiety the way I do is because of fear...fear of death, fear of illness, fear of rejection, fear of bugs...the list goes on. I have struggled with anxiety all my life. It hasn't been until the last few years I started getting some help. The help was in the form of medication. If you have a strong opinion on medication for treatment of anxiety then it might not help you to read this. Summer before last I started having panic attacks. If you have never had one I cannot really describe it...just take a feeling of fainting and add chest pain that makes you feel like you are having a heart attack to shaking and then nausea...sometimes vomiting...sometimes other issues, sometimes a feeling that you know you are dying. But...it is the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. It usually involves something lacking in my diet or dehydration or STRESS (not like I have much of that or anything). Some people say you can get better with more praye and believe me prayer is involved!  but I knew I  needed to get physically better for my family and I am convinced God led me to this decision. Believe me this is all really hard to write and hard to admit and the first time I have told many of you but...my family was more important than me staying off of a medication that could help me. I feel like for the most part since medication I have been stable. The last few weeks have been trying...we have ALOT of stuff going on with the school involving Benjamin's placement...that might need to be another post... But somehow getting this down and admitting that I need help is my help.

So back to how prayer and my God help me daily... my husband sent me this article recently written by Josh Wilson, who sings the song "Carry Me." I need to remember this verse daily "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let you requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7). I need the peace of God to guard my heart and my mind, so every time I experienced a panic attack, I can pray that. I need Jesus.

 But as much as I struggle with fear and the unknown and how will we deal with all "bub's" stuff...I am amazed at what others will do our of fear.  I ran across this article...apparently fear did take over in a family in the southern province of Adana. Hatice Buzpinar, after being told that one of her twins had Down syndrome agreed to having an injection given to the fetus with Down syndrome which would stop the growth of that fetus in it’s mother’s womb. I cannot imagine having the ability to agree to kill your child unless you are consumed with fear. That’s a politically correct way of saying it would kill the unborn baby. That is exactly what it did and two days later, Buzpinar began experiencing abdominal pain. Taken back to the hospital, doctors decided to remove Buzpinar’s uterus and the fetuses inside it. The surgery did not go as planned, and Buzpinar died of a heart attack.

 When I think about my fears I honestly cannot imagine being afraid of something so much I would kill something or someone.  How can someone look at my kid and then out of fear want to kill others like him. It makes me sick. I know my fear and panic attacks can cloud my judgement but honestly how could you kill your unborn child when you haven't even met them. Please never be afraid of my kid and NEVER be afraid of something that it so clouds your judgement that you would do something out of the ordinary. This leads me to something I have been wanting to do a long time...to write! To write about what I have been through and how this is points me to God all the time

 I Thessalonians 5:14...And we urge you brothers to admonish the idle,encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. I need to reminded...others need to be reminded...that God is glorious and good to us in ways we cannot comprehend. My story needs to point people to their source of hope and my only source of hope for God's glory! So...when will I get around to it...I would love to do it sooner than later but it may come in spurts. It is something I want to do for others and for my family who needs to understand me and how God (along with my life experiences) has changed me and made me the woman I am today. All glory be to God.

 Check it out.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9huooelamNA