Always cloudy on Good Friday

Amazes me but most times I can remember Good Friday is cloudy.  Interesting...since it was the day my savior took my sins to the cross, the day the Father turned his face from his son for the one and only time and the reason I  am totally broken before Him.  I am always so in awe of how very much He loves me and draws me in...with all my mistakes and baggage.  Thank you Jesus for your sacrifice.

Lyrics to Broken by Jeremy Riddle
To the cross, I look, and to the cross, I clingOf it's suffering, I do drink, of its work, I do singOn it, my Savior, both bruised and crushedShowed that God is love and God is just
At the cross, You beckon meYou draw me gently to my kneesAnd I am lost for words, so lost in loveI’m sweetly broken, wholly surrenderedYeah, yeah, oh Lord
What a priceless gift, undeserved lifeHave I been given through Christ crucifiedYou’ve called me out of deathYou’ve called me into lifeAnd I was under Your wrathNow, through the cross, I’m reconciled
Ooh, and at the cross, You beckon meYou draw me gently to my kneesAnd I am lost for words, so lost in loveI’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
At the cross, You beckon meYou draw me gently to my kneesAnd I am lost for words, so lost in loveI’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
And in awe of the cross, I must confessHow wondrous Your redeeming loveAnd how great is Your faithfulness
At the cross, You beckon meYou draw me gently to my kneesAnd I am lost for words, so lost in loveI’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
At the cross, You, You've beckoned meYou draw me gently to my kneesAnd I am lost for words, so lost in loveI’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
Yeah, yeah, I'm broken for youI'm broken for you, my Lord, yeahJesus, Your love is thereI am sweetly broken

Read more: JEREMY RIDDLE - SWEETLY BROKEN LYRICS 

God is good...all the time

IEP meeting is over...Benjamin will be remaining at Gordon next year in his regular ed classroom with support! Exactly what we asked for with relatively little drama.

 I feel quite certain the teachers and staff that work with Bubs everyday truly love my kid and it showed through at the meeting today. One of his teachers even stood up to agree that some of the things that happened at the last meeting were wrong and not legal. How awesome is that! There really wasn't a whole lot to fight about. My wonderful husband was well prepared and had just the right mix of composure, emotion, and a little anger...but all in all it went well!

 We so thank all of you who prayed for us (and we know there are so many of you) ...for our kid...and our meeting...coming on the eve of WORLD DOWN SYNDROME DAY it couldn't have happened on a better day! God is so faithful and He has proved again that He truly has my kid in the palm of His hand. The only slightly funny thing was during the meeting the school nurse called me. I left the meeting to find Bubs and his favorite girlfriend. Apparently he was hit in the face on the playground by a soccer ball and we lost another tooth.

He wasn't really concerned or worried about it...he had changed his bloody shirt and then he and his friend were determined to go find the tooth in the football field.  Obviously that was to no avail...but here is his note to put under his pillow tonight.

"Dear tooth fairy I lost tooth
soccer ball
money please
love ben"

That kid...he gets to my heart everytime!

FEAR

I will say that I am afraid of a lot of things. One of the reasons I struggle with anxiety the way I do is because of fear...fear of death, fear of illness, fear of rejection, fear of bugs...the list goes on. I have struggled with anxiety all my life. It hasn't been until the last few years I started getting some help. The help was in the form of medication. If you have a strong opinion on medication for treatment of anxiety then it might not help you to read this. Summer before last I started having panic attacks. If you have never had one I cannot really describe it...just take a feeling of fainting and add chest pain that makes you feel like you are having a heart attack to shaking and then nausea...sometimes vomiting...sometimes other issues, sometimes a feeling that you know you are dying. But...it is the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. It usually involves something lacking in my diet or dehydration or STRESS (not like I have much of that or anything). Some people say you can get better with more praye and believe me prayer is involved!  but I knew I  needed to get physically better for my family and I am convinced God led me to this decision. Believe me this is all really hard to write and hard to admit and the first time I have told many of you but...my family was more important than me staying off of a medication that could help me. I feel like for the most part since medication I have been stable. The last few weeks have been trying...we have ALOT of stuff going on with the school involving Benjamin's placement...that might need to be another post... But somehow getting this down and admitting that I need help is my help.

So back to how prayer and my God help me daily... my husband sent me this article recently written by Josh Wilson, who sings the song "Carry Me." I need to remember this verse daily "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let you requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7). I need the peace of God to guard my heart and my mind, so every time I experienced a panic attack, I can pray that. I need Jesus.

 But as much as I struggle with fear and the unknown and how will we deal with all "bub's" stuff...I am amazed at what others will do our of fear.  I ran across this article...apparently fear did take over in a family in the southern province of Adana. Hatice Buzpinar, after being told that one of her twins had Down syndrome agreed to having an injection given to the fetus with Down syndrome which would stop the growth of that fetus in it’s mother’s womb. I cannot imagine having the ability to agree to kill your child unless you are consumed with fear. That’s a politically correct way of saying it would kill the unborn baby. That is exactly what it did and two days later, Buzpinar began experiencing abdominal pain. Taken back to the hospital, doctors decided to remove Buzpinar’s uterus and the fetuses inside it. The surgery did not go as planned, and Buzpinar died of a heart attack.

 When I think about my fears I honestly cannot imagine being afraid of something so much I would kill something or someone.  How can someone look at my kid and then out of fear want to kill others like him. It makes me sick. I know my fear and panic attacks can cloud my judgement but honestly how could you kill your unborn child when you haven't even met them. Please never be afraid of my kid and NEVER be afraid of something that it so clouds your judgement that you would do something out of the ordinary. This leads me to something I have been wanting to do a long time...to write! To write about what I have been through and how this is points me to God all the time

 I Thessalonians 5:14...And we urge you brothers to admonish the idle,encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. I need to reminded...others need to be reminded...that God is glorious and good to us in ways we cannot comprehend. My story needs to point people to their source of hope and my only source of hope for God's glory! So...when will I get around to it...I would love to do it sooner than later but it may come in spurts. It is something I want to do for others and for my family who needs to understand me and how God (along with my life experiences) has changed me and made me the woman I am today. All glory be to God.

 Check it out.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9huooelamNA

My birthday

Every year I always take time to write about my birthday.  This year is not any different, it just has taken me a week to get down to writing.  My weekend was wonderful and I had a great date with my Brian just wandering shops and having a casual brunch together.  The time alone together is priceless and we so needed it to destress from a lot we have going on right now.

The day of my birthday came with some lovely cards handmade by each child.  Usually Brian takes each child shopping for my present but since this year's present was somewhat more expensive than in other years...I will get to that....they each had a present they chose of their own.  In fact...I kinda think I like that a whole lot better.  Here is what they chose.

Gracie chose this...


a picture of me and her.  The sweet part is that she told me she wanted me to see her "na-na" (pacy) so I would not forget her when she was little.  :)

Samuel gave me this...

this was a pretty special gift.  It is hair from Bailey.  He has had this in this little box for years now so that we would remember Bailey when she dies.  He wanted me to have it since he knows how much I love her. :)

Lastly was Bubs...he was a bit under the weather that day.   I had to go get him from the clinic earlier in the day and he was content just to snuggle and not look for any gifts...so Samuel gave him this....




I am not planning on spending this dollar of course. I don't know whose it was Bubs or Samuel's but it is worth way more than a dollar to me.


Now my big present from my sweet....besides a dozen roses...yes he is that good.  Was a new camera!!!!

He knew I had wanted one for a while...I tried to save for it but it was taking a while...he finished it off for me...now if I could have the time to learn to use it....along with the new sewing machine.

Pictures coming...

Love day

There are many reasons I love LOVE day...

Here are just a few...


Flowers from my sweetie...

 Card from my Samuel

 A reason to spoil my kids...

 Heart shaped food...

 A very special valentine...look how skinny I look...

and a pile of loot to look at together...

I have always loved Valentine's Day...I guess this shows you why...

In God's hands

I just had another "slap in the face" moment!  Really the only person who has your child's best interest is God.  Because all of us are sinful we cannot unselfishly make decisions for our kids!  Even Brian and I can't unselfishly make a decision.  That's why we need God's wisdom.  Especially for my Bubs. He has Bubs in his hands.

We had another mind numbing IEP on Friday and it has taken until now to really process all that was said.  So we have to make a decision about placement for next year.  Crazy folks from the county tried to tell me that he should move to a self contained Special Ed. class. They casually changed a  draft copy to reflect that decision and then told us the team decided on this placement.  Aren't HIS PARENTS part of this team.  Well maybe we shocked them when we didn't sign the IEP and needed to think and pray about it.  I don't really know or care for that matter.

I won't really bore all of you with what is actually happening but would like it if you would pray for our wisdom in this situation.  My gut tells me that he would love to stay at Gordon  where he is. They are telling us there may be no program for him next year.  And guess what there wasn't one two years ago until we fought for it!   So here we are trying to decide what is best for my kid.   

Guess what...we aren't going to just sit quietly and take your "sentence. "  My God has Bubs best interest and we are going to prayerfully consider what that is....

Would you pray for us???  Bubs and I thank you!

My Samuel

Today my Samuel turned nine!  Nine seems so old.  He doesn't even look like a baby anymore.  He is all boy and I love it.

For his birthday he had FIVE yes five boys sleep over.  It was pure BOYDOM...I mean bonfires, nerf wars, wrestling, forts outside, flashlight tag...it smelled like boy in my house last night.  But I love it.  There is something awesome about little boys.  They fill your life with noise, dirt, and destruction but you can't help but appreciate their honesty!  I was also impressed reading some of Samuel's cards.  He is really well liked.  Awesome to hear what his friends really think about him.  He does take his friendships seriously and I love that.

He really has become stronger in his faith.  You know you pray that your kid will grown up to love God, to not be ashamed to be a witness and to be open about what he believes.  He has told me that he asks kids in his class if they are Christians and tells them how they can believe Jesus.  He has encouraged some of his friends to go to church.

He is really smart.  Recently he has some standardized tests at school to prove it.  I have always knew he was smart.  I just wish he could enjoy school more.  He says he only likes PE and recess...as a mom that makes me sad...as a teacher I understand...most boys I taught were like that.

Samuel's answers to his questions  were just as I had thought they would be...

Here they are...
What is your favorite color?Blue
What is your favorite animal? Beagle
What is your favorite book? Diary of a Wimpy Kid
What is your favorite TV show?  Minute to Win It
What is your favorite song? Lead Me
What is your favorite food?  Tacos
What is your favorite drink?  water
What is your favorite breakfast food?  cinnamon rolls
What is your favorite snack? popcorn
What is your favorite clothes? shorts and short sleeves
What is your favorite game?  soccer
What is your favorite toy?IPOD
What is your favorite thing to do?  Play soccer or video games
What is your favorite thing to do outside? soccer, tag, build forts
Where is your favorite place to go?  TN football game
What is your favorite restaurant?  Taco Bell
Where do you want to go on vacation?  England...guess why???  to watch a soccer game
What do you want to be when you grown up?  a soccer player

Yes...the common thread right now is SOCCER...that is the favorite sport for now although we are going to play baseball in the spring.

Samuel was the miracle we prayed for.  When he was born I had just been through a miscarriage and I child with special needs. He scared me to death coming six weeks early...spending days in the NICU but  he has been more than I could hoped or dreamed for.  I love my boy so much and I am excited to see how God continues to lead him in his life!!



Happy Birthday Sweet Samuel.  I love you!

Yes we survived a sleepover with seven little boys!!!

 Crazy picture...that is wrapping paper he is throwing...

Breakfast...pancakes and cinnamon rolls...

Building a fort in the backyard

 More craziness...

Birthday lunch at Inter China.