Two different opinions

I just read two interesting articles.  

The first was about a journalist who chose to abort her baby when she found out "she" had down syndrome. In the article she talks about how she feels she did the baby a "favor" by aborting her and that she would not have been able to love her like she loves her two typical children.  

The second article was about a weightlifter who was headed to the Olympics.  He also was a keen swimmer before taking up weightlifting.  He is healthy and according to his brother, "turns a bad day into a good day." Oh and he also has Down Syndrome.  

I think I cannot really be angry with the first lady.  I guess it is arrogance or a wordly perspective but I think I just feel sorry for her.  I am not saying that my life is easy and we have a lot of issues but Benjamin was not mine from the moment we conceived him.  It was never about him or me...it was about a gift God gave me And although God entrusted him to me to teach and care for ...to discipline and to love...He was never mine. I guess I feel sorry for the first lady...she has missed that point entirely.  I think if you miss that then you would NEVER want to have a child with a disability.  You would NEVER want to keep potty training until he is eight or chase him down in a store when he is ten.  You would NEVER want to have to physically restrain him when he is shaking from his fear of a thunderstorm or to stop the car to find a bug that is flying around and terrifying him. But sadly because she missed the gift part she has missed the gifts.  The kisses (even when he is ten!), the smiles and laughs at complete strangers, the interactions between my typical children and Benjamin, the lessons he is teaching the children around him, the unconditional love, the innocence, the compassion, the joy in the little triumphs and the big ones too.  You see she doesn't know she missed all that and that is why I am sad not angry.  

I think I have been thinking lately about how many children with down syndrome and other handicaps are aborted.  I used to be filled with anger about it...I think now I feel sad.  Of course I feel sad for the baby who died but although the baby had no choice I feel confident those babies rest in the arms of a loving Savior.  I think I feel more sadness for those who made that choice.  That they truly miss the fact that God gave them a wonderful gift.  That God entrusted them with something very very precious and they missed it all...I can only pray that one day they will want to understand more about Him.  

FEEDING DAY

Today was Bub's feeding therapy appointment.  For those who do not know what that is I can explain.  Feeding therapy helps children who have physical, emotional, and textural adversions to food.  It also helps children who have feeding tubes or G tubes.  They teach children how to swallow without gagging and choking.  They help with children like Bubs who are so picky it interferes with their daily life.

So...today was his evaluation and here is the good news.  He is gaining weight and otherwise healthy.  He can feed himself.  He does gag and choke at times but it isn't life threatening.

Here is the not so good news.  His muscle tone in his mouth is weaker than we thought.  It is causing him to grow tired when eating and is the reason for the huge mess he makes when he eats.  Good news...they gave me exercises to help build strength.

Here is the not very good news.  His sensory issues are coming back.  The lack of OT for a sensory diet is causing problems...in eating and in his daily life.  He "stems" a lot more now than a few years ago.  He has become adverse to walking on any textures besides carpet or wood floor (without his shoes).  We are headed back for an OT eval and will have to begin OT sensory therapy as soon as we can get in.

Here is the bad news.  There is a four to six month wait for the feeding clinic therapists.  OUCH!  Because of his anxiety surrounding eating they recommend  that I not do any therapy now.  They feel we have tried it all already.  Once we start...it will be boot camp for eating!  Sounds like fun huh???

So that was the day in a nutshell.  If you ever need to do a feeding eval.  make sure to carve about 2-3 hours out for it.  Thankfully Bubs was a trooper.

I think it is so amazing sometimes when I am going through days like today.  My first reaction to all this "junk" is to cry and really ask "why me?" You sort of feel like you want to throw in the towel wondering if it really necessary to devote this much of my life to all these appts.

 Then I step back and look at that kid.  Man...I love him.  Having therapists to help "explain him"  helps me to get inside his little head even more.  It helps to stretch my heart a little bit more.  It helps me to be thankful for a lot about him. It reminds me that God gave him to ME and it is my job to rally for him even when I don't feel like dealing with the "junk."  and it reminds me even more that none of us are perfect.  Had this verse running through my head this afternoon.   "God's grace is sufficient for us and his strength IS made perfect in my (and Bub's) weakness."

Praise God for all of the "junk."

Dad's Day

So this weekend was Father's Day and like most dads my kids celebrated in usual fashion with their daddy.  But I feel I must take a minute to talk about their daddy.  He is by far the most involved Dad I know.  He comes home from a busy day at work and takes time to play ball with Samuel, princesses with Gracie and wrestle Bub.  I know how much my kids love it because they ask me mulitple times, "When is Daddy coming home??"  My best memory of when the boys were younger was when the boys would scream and run for the door the minute they heard the garage door open.

Their Daddy loves them unconditionally.  He does a really good job of talking with them about "big" things.  He has done a really good job at training them ( especially Samuel right now) spiritually.  

He works hard for them.  He goes to work and works hard at what he does so that I can stay home with them every day.  

He loves me in front of them.  I think that is an important one for Gracie...considering one day I want her to find a man like her daddy.

He gets them.  Some Dads are not really involved enough to do this.  He knows about each of them and what makes them special.  

Kids love their daddy.  He is a big clown, coach, and jungle gym for kids.  I love that about him.

Both Brian and I have awesome examples of good Dads.  My Dad and I had a chance to get close when my mom died.  I know he would go to bat for me at any time.  He is caring and always there when I need him.  Brian's dad is also involved in our lives.  He plays with the kids when he visits and still takes time to listen to us when we have "big" things happen in our lives.

So this Father's Day I must thank God for my father, my father in law, Brian and of course my Heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally and gives us grace and ability to love each other.

Meetings, miracles, and moving on

Whew...what a week! So... We had Bubs IEP meeting this week. I know everyone knows I hate these meetings. You see, you try to focus on the positives...UNTIL you get to these meetings and then reality slaps you in the face. Sometimes the slap is harder than others. This time I tried to go to the meeting alone. I thought I had it covered. I love both his teachers and the asst principal so I was comfortable going in this time ...surely I would not cry! WRONG! I was not expecting to hear what I heard from the speech patholgist. She felt she had seen such little speech progress this year she fears he may never be able to communicate to folks other than us! (And of course the kids at school who have a little language with him.) Well...ouch! Thank God we started private speech about a month ago...but will it even help? And did they already give up and throw in the towel on my kid? My tears could not be held back...you see it will not change anything for me if my Bub never can articulate clearly but I want everyone to be able to understand him like I do...to understand how smart,funny, and incredibly awesome he is. This time the slap left a mark in my heart. But...then a good friend reminded me of something really important. For something to be a miracle it has to be impossible to our wordly standards. This gives God somewhere to work. I know God gave Bub to me to bring glory to Him. I am going to pray for a miracle...knowing full well God CAN do it but trusting that if he diesn't there are miracles taking place in other parts of Bub's life. I am praying for him one day to be able to tell his Dad in more than one word how much he loves and knows about his favorite team...the Braves. I want him to be able to sit in bed at night and talk to his brother while they fall asleep. I want him to be able to tell his sister how much he loves her. But if it never happens I trust in the fact that God is already at work...in fact...in this same meeting Bub's teacher commented through tears that her life as well as those of the other children have been touched by him. So You see...they might not know it now but God is at work in my little boy's life and I am grateful to be part of any miracles that lie ahead. So...This week was also about moving on. HOMEGROWN PRESCHOOL is out for the summer. I will be here next year but with a new set of kids. All my babies are moving on...even my own baby. She will be at a Junior Kindergarten next year. Wow! It sure does not seem like she should be turning five. I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to be her teacher and see how she has grown in so many ways and to be able to teach all seven of these other precious children this past year. I sort of feel like they are my own. It is bittersweet to see them all moving on but moving on is not a sad thing here...just a change in life. They don't need me in the same way any more. But they still need me and not just my own baby girl but all seven of the others need me to love support and pray for them for they are covenant children. So there it is and that's it...and the week is over. Thank God! We Sure need the rest...

Random thoughts...on being a mom...

Another year of being a mom. Another year of learning. Another year of making mistakes. And another year of God's grace. I feel like as a mom I take two steps forward with two steps going back. Just when I figure my kids out...God changes them and I have to change how I parent them. They are growing up so fast and doing so many new things. New accomplishments and new worries and challenges. Of course my kids are not hard to love but I have to love them all differently...they need me in different ways. Recently I realized that I had not given Samuel enough attention. Sometimes the other two demand much more of my time that I did not even realize that he needed more of me. It broke me. I guess you feel pretty much like a loser if you have to hear your kid tell you that one. So I make mistakes and have to ask them to forgive me. I can lose my temper and want to be left alone some days. I wish my mom could see her grandkids and I am angry she is not here to give me advice. I pray that despite my shortcomings God somehow uses me in the lives of my kids. That He points them to Him through me. That somehow despite all my weaknesses they grow to love Him as their savior because of the testimony of my life. Being a mom is what I have always wanted to do. It is a hard job but I am thankful God gave me three beautiful kids to raise for Him. Hope He gives me the ability to do it for Him.

The lady in the row behind me...

There was a very special lady who always sat behind me at church. She was there most any Sunday she could make it after they found her brain tumor seventeen months ago. She was always quick to speak to my children and to me about our lives. Knowing that she had so much going on it made a difference that she even took the time for that. She was an awfully brave woman and I could see how interested she was in taking notes on everything that Pastor Harry would say. If I looked behind me most times (until the end) she had a pen making notes in her Bible. I hope they remember to save that Bible because I have my mom's Bible and it is precious to me. My mom was alot like this lady. She was brave as she endured cancear and until the end she was faithful to live her life to glorify God. I know that was this lady's goal for her life...to glorify God. This lady in the row behind me went home yesterday...it was an incredibly dreary day until I looked up and saw one beam of sun through the clouds. I am certain that was when she stepped foot into heaven and saw her Savior for the first time. I cried in the car thinking of how sweet that was for her. Gracie wanted to know why I was crying. "Heaven is a FUN place." she said. I suppose this lady is there with my mom having a lot of fun right now.

I was not one of the one of this lady's best friends...and she had ALOT! Although my family knew her well... we prayed for her every night. We took her cookies at Christmas and spent some time meeting her cats. I think about her family...I think about her daughters. I lost my mom early too...it is sad and unfortunate for us that we have to wait to one day see our loved ones again. I have comfort in the fact that my mom was prepared and ready to go home. I am sure that the lady in the row behind me was well ready too.

I hope one day if I have to endure the trials she experienced people will say the same of me.

A grateful Friday...

So I could of thought of better ways to spend this Good Friday...first day of Spring Break for the kids. I spent it in the outpatient surgery center with Bubs...having his eardrum repaired. The experience did draw tears in my eyes numerous times as my mom heart welled up with love for my precious son who really had no grasp of what was going on or what lie ahead. He HATES doctors...that is putting it mildly. I knew the trip inside the hospital alone would cause him to fear...it did...to the point that I held his body trembling in the waiting room. His heart beating ninety miles a minute. Then after they realized how fearful he was they pumped some "happy" drugs in his system. It made him feel better but he almost seemed drunk. That was a bit unsettling too. Watching him seem completely out of it right in front of me. The surgery went well. We are home now. We had some Chick fil a and watched three episodes of UmiZoomi. It is a day I never looked forward to and a day I will never forget but it is over and by God's grace all went well.

I told Brian on the way home I think my heart doesn't love Benjamin more but just differently than my other two. I think I have more compassion...more pain to see him confused over some things. I think my heart breaks a little more. Brian said he thinks that is why Benjamin is a constant reminder of God's love for us. His heart breaks with pain over our sin and has compassion for us knowing that we get confused and don't always see things clearly.

This Good Friday my heart is broken for my boy but for the love of my Savior poured out for me. Love that makes it possible for me to love my son and love that I will only know fully one day in Heaven. And so, on this Friday that feels not so good at all, I find myself thankful for a Father who loves me, who sent His son to pay for my sin...who was nailed to a tree for me... a God who forgives us,and a God who will help us to learn to love Him and each other more deeply.