I could use some space...

My daughter is obsessed with me. Yes...that might just really sound a little over the top but it's true. She really needs me like a drug sometimes. She has to know where I am at all times. She calls herself mommy's baby and she's right. She has moments that she wants to be with her dad but unfortunately for him it's not that often. It's really sweet that she loves me that much and I know that one day I will look back on all this and really miss this time.

But right now I could use some space...everyone needs some space right? I don't really want much...just the ability to go upstairs by myself, step into another room, or heaven forbid...go to the bathroom by myself. She's so different from the boys. I spent a lot of time with them at this age but I clearly remember having moments by myself. They had the ability to play away from me but I don't think Gracie has acquired that skill yet.

I know one thing is that right now she really doesn't go too many places without me. Next year she is going to have the opportunity to experience a little of her life without me. Maybe that will help. Who knows...

Anyways...for now I guess I will try to steal a few moments to myself when I can. Maybe I can just try to cherish this time. I know there will probably be one day when I miss these days. She tells her dad at night when he puts her to bed that she "really misses mommy so much!" One day she might just be glad to get away. To everything there is a season...

Do ants sleep?

I really just don't know...Samuel asked me last night as I lay in his room before he went to sleep. He seems to think they walk around a lot more than he does and he does get tired "sometimes." He also wondered if they never sleep and always walk around do they break the bones in their legs...do they even have bones?? Really...where does he get this stuff? I don't think I am smart enough to raise this kid! :)

oh and one more thing...

I should have mentioned Buggie's biggest venture is big girl panties. Yes...we have been potty trained for several months now but she never wanted to put away the pull ups. I think she felt secure with them on. It really didn't matter to me I knew she would let me know when she was ready for the big girl pants. So...I found some with polka dots on them last week and she LOVED them...now she only wears her big girl pants. We even wear them to bed too! What a big girl and what a huge hurdle...now to tackle that pacifier.

Oh and I can't leave Bubs out...well, one of the sweetest things he has done recently is to pray these REALLY long prayers at night. He used to just keep it short and sweet and pray only for me (loved that :) and that was it. We still aren't sure what all he is saying now but the prayers go on for a good solid minute! Here's a few words I catch every now and then.. mom, dad, gracie, samuel, school, amen. The cutest one was the night after the dentist. If you know Bubs you know he HATES the dentist. It takes a lot of willpower on my part to even take him and then a lot of physical strength on my part to hold him down. But the night after our dentist trauma...he looked at me during his prayer and asked me "teeth?" I told him no that we were all done with the dentist and then he closed his eyes with a smile and said, "no teeth!" Guess he had to let God know he was thankful he wasn't going back anytime soon!

new ventures

So it has been a few months in the making but I finally have my plans in place (somewhat) for my newest venture. It's an in home preschool. This has well been a long dream of mine but for whatever reason has not been able to get worked out until now. So far I have a total of 6 kids enrolled over three days and that's not including Gracie. I hope to get a couple of more kids over the next few months and then can begin getting everything set. I am very excited and yet somewhat nervous about taking on something so big but I have been praying about it and feel that God really has given me a gift that I want to be able to use for His glory and be able to help out the family financially some as well.

Samuel has had some new experiences lately too. He has started going to the "jog/walk" club at school. They meet every morning 25 minutes before school and walk around the football field. The little kids walk three times and the big kids walk 6 times. As you walk you accumulate miles and then you can receive badges for the miles you walk. Every year your miles carry over so I think he is pretty pumped about getting as many badges as he can. He is excited that this could make him stronger and well on his way to becoming BATMAN when he grows up.

Motherhood...without a mother

I LOVE being a mother. Now...that is the truth. I couldn't really imagine too much more in my life I love more...except for being a wife to a wonderful husband. :) It helps I have the three cutest kids in the world who make me laugh every day. Although every day is not a picnic and there are many days I think I might pull all my hair out, it comes with the most rewards of anything I have done in my life. This past week has been a tiring mother week. Gracie has been running a really high fever for a couple days and I have been her nurse for the week. She has to be with me every second of the day. Even at night she wakes up for me to come and get her. Yes...it's exhausting but Brian just told me last night that it should make me feel really special to have her really want "just" me. Even though I tend to complain about my need for space...he's right. It also helps to have the hugs I get from Bubs. Lately when I pick him up from school he hugs so tight he lifts his legs off the ground and I literally carry him to the car. And then Samuel "loves" in a different way. It's things like asking me to put him to bed because he knows I love to stay in his room for a while just listening to him talk. He does occasionally hug me for no reason and every once and while says under his breath..."I love you."

So what does this post have to do with being without a mother?? Well, lately I have been thinking about how different my life would be if I had not lost my mom at 15. Really what do you remember about life before then? I know that I loved her...and rarely wanted to go anywhere unless she was there. A few things I remember are the tea parties, m and m cookies, and the smell of a clean house when we got home from school. I remember that even though we didn't make much money she would use her "allowance" to buy pizza for us. She was always the room mom and was always teaching Sunday School and Bible School. She LOVED coke! (who does that sound like??) She also loved to sit on the back porch and eat pecans straight from our pecan tree. She had a distinct southern accent and was proud of her "country" home.

I guess I just wish I had had a little bit longer to get to know her. I don't really know if I am like her as a mom. I wish I could have had her around to meet my kids and really help me learn how to be a mom. I feel sort of like I have been thrown into the water without a life jacket sometimes. I hear stories of other girls who talk to their moms almost every day and the advice they get from them. That sounds really special. I also have such a list of questions I wish I could ask her about me. My dad is wonderful but he doesn't remember anything about what we were like as babies. Recently Samuel has asked about the picture of her I have on our desk. I wish I had more stories and more to share. I REALLY wish my husband could have met her. I can only hope that one day when we meet again she will have the opportunity to meet my family.

For now...I just hope that my kids love me half as much as I loved her.

Little singer...

Gracie has become quite a singer recently. She sings in the car, in the bath, in her bed, while she plays. She makes up her songs and sings others over and over. Here are a few. ENJOY!

Samuel

Six years ago was one of the most exciting yet frightening days of my life. It's the day that I gave birth to my sweet Samuel. He came six weeks ahead of schedule. After two previous trips to the hospital for the doctors to stop my labor, they finally decided that it was best to let God intervene and bring Samuel into the world slightly early. Obviously he had already prepared for this to happen. Samuel weighed a whopping 5 pounds/13 ounces. That's a big baby to come that early! He was perfect except for being premature and had to spend the first 11 days of his life in the NICU. Although I knew that he would most likely be fine...those were some hard days. I had to leave a baby at the hospital and come home to an empty nursery. I had to somehow balance my time between a two year old who really wanted his mama to a baby at the hospital who needed me in different ways. So...the juggle to meet two children's needs began!

Samuel was indeed an answer to my prayers. (That's how he got his name...I Samuel 1:27..."For this child I have prayed...") After Benjamin we became pregnant in December before Benjamin's first birthday. I miscarried that baby at 10 weeks! We were so devastated by this we were ready to get pregnant immediately. We had Samuel 12 days after Benjamin's 2nd birthday. That made them really close and for most of their first 3 years of life almost like twins. But...Samuel was the best thing that ever could have to us...and Benjamin. Benjamin has always tried to be just like Samuel. (and although he wouldn't admit it now..he tried like crazy to be just like Benjamin!) If I had a dollar for everytime I was asked if they were twins I would be one rich lady.

Now, Samuel is amazing. Don't get me wrong...we absolutely adore Benjamin and anyone who knows us will tell you that! But...I think it's incredible to have a typical son! Samuel just amazes me with just how quickly he picks things up. He is so smart and intuitive. He ALWAYS knows what I am thinking! His sweet heart is easily broken and he NEVERS wants to see anyone cry or get hurt. I think it makes him feel like crying.

He's always been shy. He doesn't really like new situations and you REALLY have to talk about it for a long time before he feels comfortable. BUT...he has surprised us lately. He's been really concerned with making new friends and going on playdates. He would rather eat lunch with his friends at school than with his mom...and really would prefer I not kiss him in public! :)

He's becoming quite the "gamer" lately. We joke that one day he's going to create his own video game. (I wouldn't be surprised, actually!) He loves his Wii he got for Christmas and has mastered levels on most of the games by himself. I sure don't know how all those games work.

He loves sports. Right now...football. His dad is so excited that Samuel is really learning the game. At least there will always be one that will watch the games with Dad!

Everyday I look at Samuel and think he's gotten bigger and looks just a little bit older. Part of me yearns to get that baby back. (Although he was NOT an easy baby by any stretch of the imagination! :) ) The other part is so thankful that I have every moment to get to know him and to be a part of his life. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for his life. He's an incredible kid...and I am lucky he's mine!