Meetings, miracles, and moving on

Whew...what a week! So... We had Bubs IEP meeting this week. I know everyone knows I hate these meetings. You see, you try to focus on the positives...UNTIL you get to these meetings and then reality slaps you in the face. Sometimes the slap is harder than others. This time I tried to go to the meeting alone. I thought I had it covered. I love both his teachers and the asst principal so I was comfortable going in this time ...surely I would not cry! WRONG! I was not expecting to hear what I heard from the speech patholgist. She felt she had seen such little speech progress this year she fears he may never be able to communicate to folks other than us! (And of course the kids at school who have a little language with him.) Well...ouch! Thank God we started private speech about a month ago...but will it even help? And did they already give up and throw in the towel on my kid? My tears could not be held back...you see it will not change anything for me if my Bub never can articulate clearly but I want everyone to be able to understand him like I do...to understand how smart,funny, and incredibly awesome he is. This time the slap left a mark in my heart. But...then a good friend reminded me of something really important. For something to be a miracle it has to be impossible to our wordly standards. This gives God somewhere to work. I know God gave Bub to me to bring glory to Him. I am going to pray for a miracle...knowing full well God CAN do it but trusting that if he diesn't there are miracles taking place in other parts of Bub's life. I am praying for him one day to be able to tell his Dad in more than one word how much he loves and knows about his favorite team...the Braves. I want him to be able to sit in bed at night and talk to his brother while they fall asleep. I want him to be able to tell his sister how much he loves her. But if it never happens I trust in the fact that God is already at work...in fact...in this same meeting Bub's teacher commented through tears that her life as well as those of the other children have been touched by him. So You see...they might not know it now but God is at work in my little boy's life and I am grateful to be part of any miracles that lie ahead. So...This week was also about moving on. HOMEGROWN PRESCHOOL is out for the summer. I will be here next year but with a new set of kids. All my babies are moving on...even my own baby. She will be at a Junior Kindergarten next year. Wow! It sure does not seem like she should be turning five. I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to be her teacher and see how she has grown in so many ways and to be able to teach all seven of these other precious children this past year. I sort of feel like they are my own. It is bittersweet to see them all moving on but moving on is not a sad thing here...just a change in life. They don't need me in the same way any more. But they still need me and not just my own baby girl but all seven of the others need me to love support and pray for them for they are covenant children. So there it is and that's it...and the week is over. Thank God! We Sure need the rest...

Random thoughts...on being a mom...

Another year of being a mom. Another year of learning. Another year of making mistakes. And another year of God's grace. I feel like as a mom I take two steps forward with two steps going back. Just when I figure my kids out...God changes them and I have to change how I parent them. They are growing up so fast and doing so many new things. New accomplishments and new worries and challenges. Of course my kids are not hard to love but I have to love them all differently...they need me in different ways. Recently I realized that I had not given Samuel enough attention. Sometimes the other two demand much more of my time that I did not even realize that he needed more of me. It broke me. I guess you feel pretty much like a loser if you have to hear your kid tell you that one. So I make mistakes and have to ask them to forgive me. I can lose my temper and want to be left alone some days. I wish my mom could see her grandkids and I am angry she is not here to give me advice. I pray that despite my shortcomings God somehow uses me in the lives of my kids. That He points them to Him through me. That somehow despite all my weaknesses they grow to love Him as their savior because of the testimony of my life. Being a mom is what I have always wanted to do. It is a hard job but I am thankful God gave me three beautiful kids to raise for Him. Hope He gives me the ability to do it for Him.

The lady in the row behind me...

There was a very special lady who always sat behind me at church. She was there most any Sunday she could make it after they found her brain tumor seventeen months ago. She was always quick to speak to my children and to me about our lives. Knowing that she had so much going on it made a difference that she even took the time for that. She was an awfully brave woman and I could see how interested she was in taking notes on everything that Pastor Harry would say. If I looked behind me most times (until the end) she had a pen making notes in her Bible. I hope they remember to save that Bible because I have my mom's Bible and it is precious to me. My mom was alot like this lady. She was brave as she endured cancear and until the end she was faithful to live her life to glorify God. I know that was this lady's goal for her life...to glorify God. This lady in the row behind me went home yesterday...it was an incredibly dreary day until I looked up and saw one beam of sun through the clouds. I am certain that was when she stepped foot into heaven and saw her Savior for the first time. I cried in the car thinking of how sweet that was for her. Gracie wanted to know why I was crying. "Heaven is a FUN place." she said. I suppose this lady is there with my mom having a lot of fun right now.

I was not one of the one of this lady's best friends...and she had ALOT! Although my family knew her well... we prayed for her every night. We took her cookies at Christmas and spent some time meeting her cats. I think about her family...I think about her daughters. I lost my mom early too...it is sad and unfortunate for us that we have to wait to one day see our loved ones again. I have comfort in the fact that my mom was prepared and ready to go home. I am sure that the lady in the row behind me was well ready too.

I hope one day if I have to endure the trials she experienced people will say the same of me.

A grateful Friday...

So I could of thought of better ways to spend this Good Friday...first day of Spring Break for the kids. I spent it in the outpatient surgery center with Bubs...having his eardrum repaired. The experience did draw tears in my eyes numerous times as my mom heart welled up with love for my precious son who really had no grasp of what was going on or what lie ahead. He HATES doctors...that is putting it mildly. I knew the trip inside the hospital alone would cause him to fear...it did...to the point that I held his body trembling in the waiting room. His heart beating ninety miles a minute. Then after they realized how fearful he was they pumped some "happy" drugs in his system. It made him feel better but he almost seemed drunk. That was a bit unsettling too. Watching him seem completely out of it right in front of me. The surgery went well. We are home now. We had some Chick fil a and watched three episodes of UmiZoomi. It is a day I never looked forward to and a day I will never forget but it is over and by God's grace all went well.

I told Brian on the way home I think my heart doesn't love Benjamin more but just differently than my other two. I think I have more compassion...more pain to see him confused over some things. I think my heart breaks a little more. Brian said he thinks that is why Benjamin is a constant reminder of God's love for us. His heart breaks with pain over our sin and has compassion for us knowing that we get confused and don't always see things clearly.

This Good Friday my heart is broken for my boy but for the love of my Savior poured out for me. Love that makes it possible for me to love my son and love that I will only know fully one day in Heaven. And so, on this Friday that feels not so good at all, I find myself thankful for a Father who loves me, who sent His son to pay for my sin...who was nailed to a tree for me... a God who forgives us,and a God who will help us to learn to love Him and each other more deeply.

what a day...

So today was supposed to be Bubs feeding clinic appointment. For those of you who do not know we will be doing feeding therapy with Bub to try to expand his diet and help with his anxiety with food. Today was the initial consult. I was all set to go. It took my gearing up to go since I knew Bubs would not look forward to this appt at all. The morning startedvwith traffic for fourty five minutes. Luckily we were still able to keep the appt after that. Next we missed the exit. As I am turning around to get back on the freeway a lady hits my van in the back. Bubs was not happy about this chaos. It was a bit stressful to say the least. We had to cancel the feeding appt and reschedulefor the summer. As I sat frustrated waiting for the police I wad grateful. Grateful that we were not hurt mostly but also grateful that Bubs eating is not as bad as some others. Some kuds have feeding tubes, and serious GI issues. When I think about it only eating Chick fil a is not such a bad problem to have. Thank you God for Chick fil a.

what bubs has taught me

Today is world Down Syndrome day. Maybe to most of the world it is an unrecognized day. To me it is life. Day in and day out...it is Bubs. It is celebrating this gift. Some days a special gift ...Of course this day comes during an extremely hard week. Not so sure what is happening with Bubs at school this week and not sure some days that I know exactly how to be the mother he needs. But I know he has taught me some things. Some lessons that would have otherwise been easy to ignore. Some lessons about God that I might not often see.

I have learned how to LOVE. As moms we all feel like our hearts get stretched larger with every baby we have. When I first laid eyes on Bubs I loved him...before the extra chromosome was found, before his birth was tainted by fears and insecurities. I loved him unconditionally. A week later we received his diagnosis...and although I detested the diagnosis...I loved the child. No different t is my Heavenly Father. He detests sin but thanks to Jesus He can love me unconditionally. HOW DEEP THE FATHER 'S LOVE FOR US.

I have learned to be patient. (Some days). I wish I could say that I was always patient. I try to continue to be patient even with STUBBORN days and when days are hard. I think how often my Father is patient with my stubborn nature and even when my heart is hardened by sin.

I have learned humility. It is humbling to admit your life is not always perfect. It is humbling to admit that your kid is not on a typical developmental level and it is humbling to have other kids ask why your kid STILL cannot talk. My kid keeps me humble..."May I never boast except in the cross of my Lord Jesus. " Gal. 6:14

I have learned kindness. I see it in Samuel. I see it in Bub's friends. A true and genuine kindness that is not based on what you get in return. They are kind to Bubs...honestly giving without really getting anything in return. Would I have seen that before Bubs and would they have learned it?

I am daily reminded of my need for a Savior. When I look at Bubs I am reminded how far we all are from perfect...one day our human bodies that are plagued with illness, pain, and imperfectness will be glorified and perfect but just as the world thinks my Bubs needs fixing ...we all are in need of a Savor to "fix"us...Bubs helps me to keep glory forever in my thoughts. He is my glimpse of heaven.

So this day... this World Down Syndrome Day is a celebration...a celebration of my son...a celebration of how much I have learned as his mom and how thankful I am that he has taught us all something that has eternal significance

e.

Happy Birthday Samuel

Honestly I cannot believe it has been eight years. Time is going so fast. I can remember like yesterday the moment that I realized that my baby was coming...whether we were ready or not. Terrified is an understatement...he was six weeks early. After our heartreak over Benjamin we were hoping for a "normal " birth experience. Once again it was not happening and I was questioning God in it all. Looking back I know God was taking good care of both Samuel and me. We were both safe and healthy.

Eight years later I joke that Samuel came early because he never likes to be late for anything. That is the kind of his personality. He is always wanting to do his best and do the "right"thing. I have been so thankful for what a helpful brother he is. He and Benjaim are the best of friends and he loves that kid. Did I tell you that they wanted to share a room again and recently got bunk beds? I have to admit it is really cute to see how much they enjoy each other.

I love how sensitive he is. He gets that from his dad. His dad is very loving and protective...so is my Samuel. He is always looking out for me and making sure I am happy.

He is my animal lover. Always begging for another pet and worried about the ones we have.

He is very smart and does very well at school. He is liked by a lot of kids and a very easy going kid. It was so cute recently at his birthday party when another kid remarked that they loved Samuel...he is awesome.


I am so proud of how he really wants to learn more about God.. He asks questions and is wanting to learn about the "hard"things. I thank God for softening his heart and giving him a desire to learn more about him.

He is my athlete. He plays most any sport. He loves to watch about any sport. He loves to watch ESPN. He got his Dad's genes when itcomes to that.

He is my loving, smart, sensitive boy. I am so thankful that God gave him to me. I am so proud to be his mom.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAMUEL! I LOVE YOU.